Now that we are on land, Meg and I are getting rid of everything that we don’t use. The boat has very limited space. We’ve been at it for about a month now and strangely, we haven’t freed much space at all. What’s left just spreads out it seems. Every little thing you see lying about makes you mad, because you have to decide if you need it, and if you decide you do, you have to find a place for it and this is just impossible, because there is no space left!
Along with everything else, I was downsizing the pile of my documents and came across, wouldn’t you know it, personal letters. Oh, how nice! It’s me beeing sarcastic. Because those letters, for me, are nothing but pain and horror. They are either from my psychopathic mother or from not-so-bright, backwards relatives of mine who are a part of her web. I photographed the letters with my smartphone (I can’t believe I have one!) and when I was putting them into our garbage I grabbed one of my mother’s letters to see what she was writing me years ago before I stopped communicating with her.
I thought that by now I was impervious to the woman’s toxicity and manipulation. Still, reading her letter by the garbage and then others on the phone made my blood boil. That woman makes me want to through up, so mad I am. I am lost for words at her manipulation, the total lack of remorse, the lies and the gas-lighting! And all of it without a blink of an eye. I can’t believe I lived with that monster for 26 years! And that that woman is my mother.
All of what Meg and I experienced at my mother’s and my father’s hands on March the 1st 2006 was apparently my imagination. My father “just couldn’t control himself, you know how he is”. She “asked” me about my passport because she “was worried it’s been taken away from me”. My uncle told her that “anything could happen”. She planned to come to Kiev alone, but then my father “just recently learned I was going to Canada” and so they came together. All of us ended up in a police station apparently because my mother “wanted them to see who Meg really was”. Lie. It was Meg who yelled for police. And my mother wasn’t hurting me, she just “held on to me so tight that she broke all her nails”. And not a mention of my father actually punching Meg and spitting in her face!
And she tells me she has no problem with same-sex relationship! What a f*cking liar! She hated my every mentioning of Meg before my escape! And she got yet more zealous in her forcing me to date a guy. She demanded I get pregnant and move in with him, in order to trap me sooner!
Meg asked me what I would do if my mother one day appeared before me. I told her I am concerned I would end up in jail for assult.
Meg asked me how I would feel if my mother died. I say, I would ask if the bitch left me any money. But of course she wouldn’t! She is my enemy. And she will remain it until her last breath.
What does one do if one has mother psychopath? Do you go on ignoring her? But she will make sure it’s impossible. Do you fight her? How can you? Logic and words do not work with psychopaths. And there are no harassment laws in Russia or in the countries Meg and I are condemned to because I am Russian. It’s just violence, manipulation, disruption of life and privacy which are perfectly normal for those societies.
Before reading my mother’s letter (I haven’t read them when she sent them years back because it was so painful) I’ve forgotten people like her actually existed. To any normal human being this kind of active hurting is sick, unimaginable. The fact that someone can do that their entire life, non-stop, without any remorse, a hint of compassion or consciousness is disheartening. And that woman is my mother! And she is still in my life no matter what I do because of the sheer fact that she gave berth to me.
And Meg and I are heading for Balkans which are so much closer to my mother and Russia! And there is an ocean and a sea separating us and that country! And we have no motivation to go to the place where we have nothing! And we will be facing countless days at sea! Just the two of us, on the same boat, like in 2006, only then we were sailing in the opposite direction.
I wonder, what my mother’s plans for me today are. I know she hasn’t given up on hurting me and Meg because psychopaths never do. They don’t let go. What will she do once she knows I am that much closer? Will she find me and show up? Or will she find some other twisted way to inflict damage? Is there a way to be done with a psychopath once and for all? I wonder. Or do they have to be dead for that?
P.S. Another year doesn’t pass without some westerner telling me that my mother “loves me”.