Now that Meg and I are on the move again, having nothing but waves around, not even scrawny Bahamanian shrubs and being alone in the cockpit I get inundated by nasty thoughts, the baggage from our experience in Panama. I deal with it on my own, Meg doesn’t need more negativity, than we already have. Also, don’t forget she is now deaf on one ear. For her, a musician, it is devastating.
It’s kind of funny, I look at my a Russian on the Run channel and realize that none of the difficulties we face daily can be seen there. The worst of it; the despair, the loneliness, surviving horrid rolling or ass pounding of the boat, not to mention the storms that wreck our boat and our psyche, can be seen in the photos, text or even video. None of it shows the reality. The grinding endlessness of it.
Still, it is not about how hard done by we are, especially considering that hardship is relative and there is always somebody worse off than you are somewhere on the planet (the kind of stuff you are told in Canada). It is about what we do about it.
After my story went viral in 2017 it is hard for Meg and I to be so totally alone in it. It is the quality of having the attention, you keep expecting more of it. But I remember the good old days, when Meg and I didn’t expect anything, especially people’s attention, we just went on. So now, is virality a good thing or bad? Go, figure. I think only close personal relationship with others can make you feel grounded, supported, content, not alone, standing firmly on your feet. But in my and Meg’s case, when we have nobody at all caring if we are dead or alive, receiving any acknowledgment of our existence is a lot!
So, I found a few good articles on how to manage my negative thoughts, that sprouted after a severe anxiety I had in Panama. I am learning to not fight them but rather observe them and let them be. There is a heck of a long journey before Meg and I, again! And we need to be invincible again. It is time to be a hero, to quote computer voice on Voyager.
They might help you too. I know, you see the world “anxiety” all over the place and it gets you anxious. You just can’t win, I tell you!